#automatically makes you reckless and selfish and toxic

[landonkirbyappreciation]

It’s so absurd how they had golem Landon telling Hope that she needed to worry about Landon less and everyone else more. When Landon had literally melted, been trapped in Malivore, been trapped alone in a prison world full of monsters with no help or powers, for how many weeks, all while everyone else was safely living their lives at the school. But no, don’t worry about Landon, worry about everyone else. That sort of mentality really sums up the show though, like… Landon is in grave danger, Landon is trapped in another dimension, Landon’s body has been taken over, Landon died, Landon is trapped in purgatory, Landon lost a piece of his soul, every bad thing ever is happening to Landon but let’s not worry about any of that and focus on other irrelevant things instead. And care about anyone and anything else but him while he suffers. That was basically the show in a nutshell.

[yuujism]

Sun and Night. (gojo satoru x reader)

Chapter 4: Love.

← chapter 3 | chapter 5 (soon) →

| PAIRINGS: gojo satoru x gn!reader ; mentions of getou suguru x reader x gojo satoru

| WARNINGS: angst, a lil bit of hurt/no comfort, suggestive language, toxic behaviour, toxic coping mechanism, just really toxic, more angst, grammar errors, mentions of unrequited love, straight up angst

| WORD COUNT: idk lol i’ll count later

| A/N: well! this story is about to end in the next chapter and i actually like writing it but the ending uh... idk maybe some of y’all won’t like the ending bc it will probably hurt a lot... or maybe not!! also this chapter mostly looks into both satoru and the reader’s feelings but who knows lol i like ambiguity!! i hope you like it and enjoy !!

summary;

You and Satoru were in love.

You were so deeply in love, just not with each other.

Where you and Satoru found comfort in each other after the accident happened.

There was nothing.

A blink of an eye.

A shattering moment.

And the sound of your name.

There was nothing but regret when Satoru did the unthinkable, anxiety filling his body as the only thing he deemed important to hide from you was suddenly out there for your ears to hear, surprise adorning your face as your chest rised up an down with heavy breathing.

A few seconds passed, seconds that felt like hours as your eyes, open wide and cold, connected with the eyes of the man who was on top of you, the dim moonlight hitting the side of his face glistening with sweat. Nothing could’ve prepared you for what just happened, not even the familiar sensation of Satoru still inside of you.

Everything was broken now.

“I-I just...”

“I should leave.” you interrupted whatever Satoru had to say because, honestly, you didn’t want to hear it. You couldn’t hear it.

There was a brief moment of a last form of inimacy when he slipped out of you, an involuntary moan leaving both of your mouths before you could even stop it. It was an intimacy that felt awkward, like something that was suddenly thrown right into your face after months of ignoring it, and you didn’t want anything but to escape this realisation.

Stupid. You were so stupid to even think this was a good idea for both you and Satoru.

As you gathered your clothes that were all over the floor, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him behind you, but, God, the way his gaze was burning holes onto the back of your head made you feel light-headed with nervousness.

Words were left unspoken between the walls of the still steamy room as you walked out, a low ‘I’m sorry’ reaching Satoru’s ears in form of a whisper before the sound of a door closing left him all alone with his thoughts.

“I’m such an idiot!” Hands went to cover his face as his back landed on the mattress, ashamed of his own recklessness and careless behaviour. Why did you have to apologise? To him out of all people. He should be the one swallowing his pride and ask for forgiveness. He was the one who fucked up.

Satoru knew everything was ruined now. God, if only he could forget the look on your face when your name escaped his lips. It was obvious you were shocked, scared even. You both had unwritten rules that were not supposed to be broken nor discussed, one of them being that nothing was and never would be personal or emotional between the two parties.

This should’ve ended as soon as the memories of his best friend started being replaced with memories of you.

But it felt so good. It was wrong, but it felt so good.

He felt like the biggest scum of the earth as he found the same comfort Suguru made him feel between your arms, it almost felt like he was using you. But weren’t you doing the same? Wasn’t that the whole point of this? Those questions were easy to answer: yes. You were doing the same. This was nothing but pure selfishness from the two of you but, after all, one side was always more selfish.

You were smarter. You didn’t get blinded by your own heart like Satoru did, never losing the point of this sick arrangement as your mind kept being packed with images of a certain sorcerer with long, black hair. It almost seemed as if you never really saw Satoru as himself, and that made his heart ache with pain and anger.

Because, yes, Satoru hated you the same way he hated him: he didn’t.

Idiot.

You kept ignoring Satoru in the hallways, with the only difference that, this time, it wasn’t out of hatred or a sense of uninvolvement. No, nothing like that. You were completely avoiding him at all costs. Looking down at your feet as you walked past him, as if locking eyes with him would make you relive that night. Leaving in a hurry whenever he entered the same room as you, as if his mere presence burned you. Talking quickly about the student’s missions, as if wanting to spend as little time as possible close to his presence.

He was an idiot.

The encounters between you came to a stop since that slip up, and Satoru tried his best to not think about it. About you. Please, just don’t think at all. But he couldn’t. The pictures of your body, the melody of your voice calling out for more, the softness in your fingertips as you caressed his back. He needed you back to himself and he was willing to do anything. Anything. Even if that meant burying his feelings 6 feet under the surface.

Satoru felt sorry to the memory of his best friend, and disgusted with himself. He couldn’t believe the way he thought he was above you regarding the feelings towards Suguru, reaching the point to yell at you about how you didn’t love him. Oh, how wrong he was. How wrong he was for underestimating your feelings and your will to never budge with them.

You would budge for me, though, that’s what he thought.

That’s what he confidently hoped.

It wasn’t like the mere idea of developing feelings of Satoru didn’t cross your mind. It did. Countless of times, mostly during those nights where Satoru was away in a mission or when you just didn’t feel like seeing him. Those blue eyes invaded your mind from time to time. Too bright, too confident and too different.

You still remember vividly that quick flash of his gaze piercing through your soul as you both reached that sweet high the other night. At the same time. Together. And even if you wanted to ignore it, as you selfishly always did, you knew something shifted. Wether it was in you or Satoru, no power on earth would make you discuss the newfound sensations Satoru brought along with him.

Ignorance is bliss.

A sentence that stuck with you since the day Suguru’s fate was written, deciding to apply it at everything and anything that was related to the arrangement between you and Satoru. At the beginning, it was difficult.

Ignore his large, warm hands on your skin and the tingling sensation they left behind in a fiery trail and focus on him, his image. This wasn’t him, it would never be him. But it felt real. Ignore the way his breath hit the side of your neck the same way his did, throwing you back to almost forgotten memories of silly jokes and giggles. Ignore every single detail.

Ignore him.

Suddenly, you didn’t have to put much thought into it. It started feeling easy, automatic even. You no longer had to doubt yourself or your feelings, listening to your head rather than your heart. You were certain Satoru did the the same, he was selfish enough to not think about anyone but himself, walking forward without hesitation. He didn’t think of you: he was thinking of himself, Suguru and quick pleasure. Just like you.

You wished you could’ve noticed before it was too late.

Fate always conspired against you, you already knew it, and this moment was a clear example of that. That same warm hand that made you feel reach bliss during countless of night was now firmly wrapped around your wrists, stopping you in the middle of the hallway as you made your way to your next location. You knew it was him without having to turn around. His hot touch was already engraved into your mind before you could avoid it.

“Let’s talk” It certainly wasn’t a question, words slipping out of his mouth before you could even move your hand away or create an excuse to avoid this situation. “... Please...” Satoru almost choked at the plead, as if it was the hardest thing to say after ‘I’m sorry’. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do this if he couldn’t even ask properly.

Now, you had two options: run away or accept talking with him. You knew the simplest way was running away, never getting out of your comfort zone as you left Satoru behind with whatever he had to say. But somewhere deep within you told you to listen to him, to face your feelings and suck it up for once. Just this once.

A defeating sigh came out of you as you pulled your wrist away from his grip, turning around to face him. Blue fiery eyes were now tiredly yet hopefully looking at you, waiting for whichever answer you decided on. You gulped harshly, the forming knot on your throat becoming way too uncomfortable at the thought of someone walking into this scene.

“Alright. Let’s make this quick. Follow me.”

The walk to your office was silent and filled with an awkwardness that couldn’t be fixed. When the silence and cool breeze of the walls of your space hit the both of you, it was when everything became even more strange. Being alone with Satoru in a room wasn’t a new situation, however, there were some really raw feelings accompanying you this time as your eyes locked with each other, you leaning against your desk as he leaned against the wall.

You waited for him to speak first, scrutinising him under your gaze as he played with his dark glasses in one hand, as if he was bored. Your eye twitched in annoyance. Satoru must’ve sent your uneasiness, taking a deep breath before letting it out in a loud blow. He felt nervous for what he was about to say, even if he rehearsed it in his mind a million times, it seemed as if it just went flying through a window when he was under your observation.

More seconds passed with Satoru fidgeting around and you grew even more impatient.

Fuck it.

“Look, if you won’t say anything then—“

“I’m not sorry.”

What?

Your eyes opened wide with surprise and confusion, trying to find some type of amusement in Satoru’s expression just to choke a gasp when you didn’t find any. Out of everything you expected him to say, out of everything you expected him to do, you didn’t really expect him to basically be the usual cocky asshole with a god complex as those words slipped out of his mouth.

Unbelievable.

It was impossible to ignore the way your body was heating up with raw anger and annoyance. Not even after what happened that night was Satoru able to get out of his high horse.

“Are you serious right now?” Your question was empty, it didn’t need an actual answer because you already knew he was dead serious. The pain in the side of your head appeared and you inhaled deeply. Calm down. “Let me see if I understand: you brought me here—“

“Technically, I didn’t bring you here, you di—“

“Fuck, shut the hell up for once, please!” And he did. Satoru didn’t open his mouth to complain and you were grateful. Another deep breath. “That’s all you had to say to me? That you’re not sorry? Not sorry for what, Gojo?” You asked incredulously, looking for his eyes that were now showing shock at the use of his last name.

You waited for his answer. It seemed Satoru was an expert at letting the seconds slip away from both of your hands, but you were tired. You couldn’t be patient with Satoru anymore.

Letting out an annoyed snort at Satoru’s silence and lack of confrontation, you walked towards the door past his figure the seemed to be frozen on the spot. Your hand was inches away from

doorknob when the warm sensation of Satoru’s touch invaded your body again, heart quickly beating involuntarily and you cursed at yourself internally for that. And moments before you could even react, there was his voice again.

Your name.

Your head turned like a reflex, and you swore that, for a brief moment, you saw those sly dark eyes staring right at you instead of ice blue ones.

It wasn’t a sweet tone like you remembered him saying it, instead, your name coming past his lips sounded rougher, dangerous even, yet something was oddly familiar. His voice still held that adoration of that night, communicating a promise Satoru was going to keep.

And it scared you. Satoru’s possible adoration towards you scared you.

“I’m not sorry” Satoru repeated again, breathing getting stuck on his chest and you couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes filled with decisiveness. “I’m not sorry for actually looking at you that night.”

Your breath hitched. Stop.

“I’m not sorry for aching to be with you and feel you when you’re away from me.”

Please, stop. You were starting to feel dizzy. There was no way this was happening right now.

“I’m not sorry for thinking of you the same way I thought of him.”

What happened next was all a blur, emotions crawling up your body as adrenaline hearing what Satoru said after mentioning Suguru again. You just couldn’t bear it anymore.

You still remember the sound of your name being called behind you, desperation and fear filling his voice as your legs moved on their own towards nowhere in particular but far from that room. Far from him.

Escape. Don’t look back. Escape, escape, escape.

It wasn’t until you found yourself outside of your room that you became aware of time and your surroundings. You don’t know how much die you run for you to reach your own place, or how much did you just stand in the middle of a silent room with the ghosts of a rough voice and soft touches.

You crumbled down like you did the same day you saw Suguru for first time after his sentence.

The recent events kept coming to your mind in the form of sharp daggers, engraving the image of a fiery gaze that seemed firm on staying on your mind for as long as it wanted. You were exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and you wanted to escape once again.

That night, you fell asleep as the memory of a familiar scent drowned your mind along with the words that made your heart ache with an unknown feeling.

“I’m not sorry for loving you.”

[clarythericebot]

betty & james & accountability

What i love most about betty is that it is, in taylor swift’s words, about a seventeen-year-old standing on a porch, learning how to apologize.

it’s about a teenager growing up, intentionally and painfully.

and it shows. 

there are so many points in the song where you hear him want to turn away from his pain and deflect. 

you heard the rumors from inez 

you can’t believe a word she says

most times, but this time it was true

There’s a distinct pause between “says” and “most times”. you get the impression that james is making a complete statement--she’s just the small-town school gossip, don’t listen to her. and then he catches himself. he admits it, and for the first time his easy narration slows down into an agonizing confession: 

the worst...thing that.. i ever did...was what...i did...to you

Then it speeds up! It turns into an anxiety-ridden teenager wanting to talk to his best friend/ex at a party that she’s throwing, a rambling mess of an articulated daydream that keeps turning into a nightmare. it’s also one of my favorite choruses that she’s ever written. 

 but if I just showed up at your party 

would you have me? would you want me?

would you tell me to go fuck myself 

or lead me to the garden 

in the garden, would you trust me 

if i told you it was just a summer thing? 

here we see james attempting to envision his highest hopes; but even in his wistful imagination, he swerves into every single thing that can go wrong. if he goes to the party, she could take him back--or she could reject him. maybe it’s neither and she’d deign to hear him out, a quiet conversation just like old times--but even if she did, would she believe him? would it even matter, or would she dismiss all his apologies as too little and too late?

and up next is, i think, the most controversial part of the song:

i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything 

but i know i missed you

but i’ll get to that later. the important point about it at this point is that we can infer that this is his motivation, the reason why he keeps considering to go to the godforsaken party--he misses her. 

the next part of the song is the beginning of end. 

betty, i know where it all went wrong

your favorite song was playing

from the far side of the gym

i was nowhere to be found

i hate the crowds, you know that

plus I saw you dance with him

what’s interesting to me is this is him catching himself again. there’s a pause between you know that and plus. what it looks like here is that james would rather betty believe he ran off by himself because of his dislike for crowded places because of his automatic excuse. but pay attention to the words. your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. betty hears her favorite song, looks around for james to dance with. james had disappeared into a corner by himself, but he does see her look for him, and the fact that he understands that they’re far from each other has a covert implication that he works up the courage to make the attempt to get to her. but.

I saw you dance with him. 

we can infer a bit from this interaction. firstly that betty, if not necessarily a social butterfly, seems to be loved and comfortable even amidst the throes of high school. (she is the type of to throw parties and have supportive friends attend them, after all.) secondly that james is decidedly not as extroverted at her, and is crushed to see her dance with someone else. 

and he admits that. we see that temptation again, to shift blame to betty herself--I hate the crowds, you know that. but he catches himself, and reveals the real reason was that he was jealous and insecurity.

I was walking home on broken cobblestones 

Just thinking of you, when she pulled up like

A figment of my worst intentions

She said, “James, get in, let’s drive”

Those days turned into nights

Slept next to her, but

I dreamed of you all summer long

What I appreciate here is that he doesn’t slut-shame her. He explicitly says a figment of his worst intentions. and it’s true. all his sorrow and regret doesn’t excuse the fact that he uses this unnamed girl as a salve to his helplessness. to throw in a little feminist commentary in here, he also seems to be falling for the toxic idea that sex and losing his virginity will prove his masculinity. betty low-key calls him out on it in cardigan: I knew you / tried to change the ending / Peter losing Wendy.

What would Peter have to do to not lose Wendy? Grow up. But there is growing up, the awkward and painful process of taking responsibility, and the supposed indications of growing up that don’t actually tell you a thing about maturity (like having sex), and it looks James decided to choose the latter. 

(not to excuse james, though, it should be noted that the unnamed girl isn’t entirely fair, either. in august, she clearly knows about betty--you were never mine. she isn’t completely random; james gets in the car because he knows her. she sings i remember thinking I had you and back when I was living for the hope of it all. Put together, the character of this unnamed girl is someone who seems to have had a longtime crush on james. what the entire situation seems to be is that james used her to grasp at some shred at confidence, while she snatches at a moment of weakness to try for the relationship she wanted for him.)

does the unnamed girl deserve an apology? yes. of course. i can kinda see why james wouldn’t bring her up in his apology song to betty, though.

The swell of music after the above verse, by the way, seems to symbolize James’ determination. Picture him using that burst of bravery to propel himself to the closest he’s been yet to his ex’s house without panicking, only for that musical bravado to trickle away into agonizing quiet as he takes in what he’s about to do. 

Betty, I’m here at your doorstep 

And I planned it out for weeks now

But it’s finally sinking in

Betty, right now is the last time

I can dream about what happens

When you see my face again

James explicitly states that this is when the feeling finally sinks in. And what is the feeling? Quite obviously: Fear. In a way, it’s underlined by the fact that he notices it’s the last time he can think about the best case scenario. In choruses, we know that James cannot stay in the best case scenario. He will inevitably sink into the depths of the worst possibility, and the pause after this seems to indicate the heart-thumping instinct to run while he still can. The fact that James is afraid is palpable, and not just because he’s facing Betty.

There’s a question that hangs around this song: Why doesn’t James just talk to her? In private? Not in a party? It’s not because he’s trying to pressure her--all mentions of her friends or anyone else, really, seems to indicate that they will clearly be on Betty’s side. There is no one pushing Betty to forgive him--quite the contrary. And while she switched her homeroom, they’re still in the same school; she can’t avoid him and, from what we learn of Betty, she wouldn’t, anyway.

The answer, I think, is showing up to the party is part of James’ apology. 

If how it all went wrong was because he was too cowardly or it took him to long to face the crowds for her, then damn it, his apology will take place in front of a crowd of hostile teenagers. If how he acted caused her embarrassment, to be the object of unfair rumors, he’d give her a chance to publicly shame him. It’s an extreme move, but it’s characteristic to James’ reckless (now intentional) abandon, and the fact that he really is so young. An adult would apologize quietly. James will go for the all-or-nothing, even if it kills him. 

And it is killing him. I think the fathomless fear of the worst case scenario would be enough to choke him out of his resolve if his motivation was, in fact, only due to emotion. 

In earlier verses, he sings: 

i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything

but i know i missed you

this is utterly immature, if you think about it. selfish as much as it is sweet. he would ask her to come back to him in spite of all the hurt he caused because he misses her, he wants her with him. but if he were really relying on that, he’d leave.

he doesn’t.

the only thing I wanna do

is make it up to you

The real reason why he’s here is to make it up to Betty. To apologize to her, to take responsibility (to finally grow up) and whatever comes along with it.

so i showed up at your party

Picture people staring at him then--his worst fear. There is silence.  Not neutral or curious. Openly hostile. How dare he show his face? Girls whisper. Boys, other friends of Betty’s, maybe even the guy he was so jealous of in the beginning, crack their knuckles. James’ head dips into his neck, his shoulders hunched. 

yeah, i showed up at your party

He and Betty catch sight of each other. He holds his breath.

And then!

yeah, i showed up at your party

would you have me? will you love me?

will you kiss me on the porch

in front of all your stupid friends?

if you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it?

Will it patch your broken wings?

THE SWEETEST. 

What I’d like to underline here is that, aside from the heart-rending, world-toppling reunion, we finally get a deeper glance into James’ daydreams, his true best-case-scenario. He learns to take responsibility because he wants to make it up to her--because he realizes that she’s hurting, too. And his wildest dreams, his real longed-for hope, isn’t that her love is going to make him feel better. It’s that his willingness to be lay his trembling heart before her in front of everyone who hates him will mend her own heart. 

I’m only seventeen, I don’t know anything

But I know I miss you

At this point, this line has graduated from immature selfishness to the wondrous, reckless, willing-to-learn openness. The controversy around these lines is that James is saying them as an excuse for his actions. On the contrary--he uses his love for her to break him out of himself, and we understand that now. I’m only seventeen, he says, and teenaged boys can be blustering and insensitive and self-centered, and some never really grow up. But James does, for Betty’s sake. He may be young, but his guiding light is his love for her.

 Standing in your cardigan

Kissing in my car again

Stopped at a streetlight

You know I miss you